


Hug Me (and never let go)

by jaehyunizer



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, dojae, dojae are lying abt their feelings and everyone gets hurt, drunk jaehyun, former jaeyong, lame writing from me ofc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 13:09:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14694867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaehyunizer/pseuds/jaehyunizer
Summary: Jaehyun and Doyoung can't come into terms with their feelings and everyone around them gets hurt.





	Hug Me (and never let go)

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry in advance

Doyoung thinks that this for the best despite how the back of his eyes are stinging, ready to drop tears. He thinks that Jaehyun’s decision was right. Despite the fact that he feels his heart going to drop into millions of pieces and everything, he thinks that Jaehyun is right.

It starts in a diner, when Jaehyun invites Doyoung to meet his boyfriend. Lee Taeyong, from the dance department if he can recall. Doyoung doesn’t know why it has to be him, when Jaehyun fully knows about their current situation. The pain and tension they’re in.

Doyoung decides to say yes anyway, because it’s Jaehyun and he could never say no.

“Doyoung hyung, this Taeyong hyung! My boyfriend.”

Taeyong is smiling brightly when Jaehyun introduces him to Doyoung. He’s really pretty, Doyoung notes with something drowning inside him. Taeyong’s visuals are utterly breath-taking, just as Jaehyun said. From head to toe, he’s perfect for Jaehyun.

But then there’s a thought at the back of Doyoung’s mind. That maybe he and Jaehyun would’ve been a better fit --- but he discards that thought almost immediately, though it still lingers somewhere there and he considers that thought once again. But then, a voice speaks up inside him. _Impossible_.

“Ah, hello, it’s finally nice to meet you.” Doyoung says, forcing himself to move his lips into something that isn’t a frown. Taeyong returns the handshake Doyoung offers him excitedly. Doyoung fakes a grin, something that he has mastered perfectly through the years. “Jaehyun’s told me all about you.”

When Taeyong reddens and hides behind Jaehyun’s tall stature, Doyoung hates himself for just smiling.

They sit a nearby table in the diner, it’s 127 Front, the diner Doyoung specifically remembers that Jungwoo works in. He hums to himself as he watches Jaehyun and Taeyong get comfortable with each other across him, maybe he won’t feel as alone as he thought.

Doyoung taps his fingers lightly on the peach table, ignoring the couple in front of him, ignoring the ache inside his chest. They look good, he tells himself as he eyes them cuddling from the corners of his eyes. Well, more comfortable than he and Jaehyun used to be at least. That’s a good thing.

Doyoung gets a bit of his tension lifted up when Jungwoo walks over to their table with a notepad in hand and pen tucked in his ear. He still looks good as Doyoung remembers before he locked himself two weeks ago in his room.

“Hyung!” Jungwoo beams at Doyoung, a smile that Doyoung returns back genuinely. He’s always like Jungwoo, there was a certain innocence in the younger that made Doyoung want to protect him like how a mother would.

“Jungwoo, you’re still looking good.” Doyoung greets, his voice still a bit hoarse from all those screaming and crying for the past two weeks.

Jungwoo laughs, “I haven’t seen you since you ---“ His eyes lands on Jaehyun and Taeyong, as if finally realizing that they’re that there, and his eyes narrow slightly in a subtle way that no one but Doyoung would notice. It was a code before them.

“Since you locked yourself inside your room.” Jungwoo mumbles softly just for him. He finally whips around to face Jaehyun and Taeyong in their seat with a bright grin. “May I take your order?”

Jaehyun’s expression is unreadable as he glances at Jungwoo and Doyoung, mumbling his order while Taeyong, poor oblivious Taeyong, orders with naivety --- completely unknowing to the tense air around him.

When Jungwoo leaves, Taeyong shifts a bit more so he’s sitting in Jaehyun’s lap and god, Doyoung feels his entire heart shatter into millions of pieces and maybe he really is going to cry, he thinks as he feels the back of his eyes sting.

“So, Doyoung, when have you been friends with Jaehyun?” Taeyong asks curiously, tilting his head --- a habit that Jaehyun also has when he’s puzzled.

Doyoung gives a ghost of a smile. “I’ve been with him since we were practically in nappies,” Doyoung says, voice on the verge of cracking as he recalls him and Jaehyun over the years. “I’ve seen him grow and mature over the years. It’s good to know that he finally has someone to watch him that isn’t me.”

“That’s sweet.” Taeyong comments softly, with sincerity that shocks Doyoung. “I’m glad you’ve given me your blessing. I’ll take care of Jaehyun well.”

Doyoung spares Jaehyun a tiny glance from the corner of his eye. He’s biting his lip as he looks at anything but Doyoung.

Doyoung can’t do anything but smile for now.

**-**

It hurts but can Doyoung do anything about it? No – the things he’s been doing all week is just cry in room day and night, only bothering to get up to shower and eat.

Jungwoo and Jeno have been calling him up, checking if he was okay and all he could do was laugh and pretend that he was even though there’s a gaping hole somewhere in his chest and he can’t just bring himself to be honest. This situation has changed him into a hypocritical man and it goddamn sucks.

He’s heard that Jaehyun and Taeyong broke up. He doesn’t need to hear anymore after that, doesn’t want to even spare a single detail why. He just doesn’t want to.

It’s pretty pathetic to be crying over a boy. He’s always told him that but that just increases his tears even more. He knows it’s pathetic and he’s come into terms that he himself is also pathetic.

But what’s new.

His phone rings again. Doyoung sniffs as he cranes his neck to look at it – he has a raging headache and his eyes sting from all that crying.

 ** _Jung Jaehyun_** _calling_

Goddamn it.

Doyoung swears at himself but he wipes his tears, sniffing and clearing his throat before answering phone.

“Hello?” He says, voice hoarse. He stares at the clock, the same black cat clock that Jaehyun bought for him, it reads 3 am. “Jaehyun, it’s too early for this.”

“Hyung…”

Jaehyun sounds so painfully broken at the other end of the line. His voice is croaky and he sounds as if he’s cried as much as Doyoung has. Doyoung feels his heart shatter at the mere audio of his best friend so – so goddamn defeated. It hurt him too.

Doyoung tries to choose his words more carefully. “Jaehyun, are you ---” He attempts but Jaehyun’s whines at the other side interrupt him.

“Doyoung hyung!” The transition from beaten to merry nearly gave Doyoung a heart attack. “Doyoung hyung, I – I –“a hiccup that breaks Doyoung’s heart. “Hyung, I – I – I don’t where I am right now…”

“What do you mean?”

As far as Doyoung knows, Jaehyun could never get drunk. He’s always the stable drunk, the one who returns the others to their houses, the one who has to make sure the others don’t do anything rash and it absolutely concerns Doyoung.

“P – Please save me, hyung.” He sounds so lost and Doyoung feels another batch of tears sting his eyes. Jaehyun sounds exactly like the child he was when Doyoung first met him; recently moved in, completely confused and lost, and a crybaby.

And that’s what Doyoung loves so much about him.

“What do you see, Jaehyun?” Doyoung inquires, finally standing up after many days. His legs feel heavy, as though he’s going to fall down soon but he doesn’t. Doyoung can’t right now – not when there’s a thousands of possibilities that could happen to Jaehyun right now. He could be in a dark alley ready for a beating, or he could be entering in a trash can right now as he speaks.

“Lights, hyung! I see lights!” Jaehyun happily responds, with a clap of his hands. “Pretty, purple lights! You know where we had our first – our first, you know! Kiss!”

Doyoung doesn’t need any more words, doesn’t need to hear it.

It’s a fucking cliché, he’s living in. A total cliché and cheesy series, he hates it. Doyoung doesn’t know why he can’t have a normal get-to-together scene like most couples he knows – go on a date, ask them to be your significant other and then go on dates until you eventually get married. But no, he and Jaehyun had to be one of the world’s biggest losers and cowards that they find themselves into the one of the most clichéd situations ever.

Doyoung shakes his head as he gets his keys and leaves the apartment.

**-**

Jaehyun knows he’s fucked up big time.

He knows about the unspoken conversations between him and Doyoung, he knows about how much pain Doyoung’s in right, how much it hurt the both of them in this situation.

So now he’s out in this lame bakery with flashy neon signs that hurt his eyes, completely wasted. But he knows his feet led him here for a reason. It’s the same place where he and Doyoung had their first kiss – neither as friend but neither as lovers either.

(There was rain, Jaehyun recalls that, he was running away playfully from Doyoung, who was screaming behind him. He had no umbrella, rain like dew on his hair. Doyoung was chasing at him, nagging at him to use the umbrella.

And they stop at the lame bakery, the flashing purple neon signs nearly blinding his eyes but that doesn’t matter because Doyoung is right in front of him, panting hard and eyes wide.

“You’ll get sick, Jaehyun.” Doyoung nags at him, eyebrows furrowed and mouth curved down into a grimace. Jaehyun knows the generous words he’s going to give, he knows that Doyoung will give him the 1 hour lecture that he’s always found to enjoy and tease. It’s something he’s always loved, doesn’t think he can live without it. “You have a 9 am tomorrow, also your dog can’t take care of you, and you live alo --- “

Jaehyun leans it to press his lips unto Doyoung’s. He thinks Doyoung should stop wasting his breath for lectures, thinks that Doyoung should give it for his own selfish needs.

Jaehyun also doesn’t know why he’s doing it. Maybe it’s the way Doyoung says his name when he nags him, or at any time really, or maybe it’s the way Doyoung would rolls his eyes in exasperation and fondness, or perhaps it’s the way Doyoung slanders him with affection, maybe it’s all of Jaehyun’s feelings finally exploding into that final moment.

He very well feels Doyoung kiss him back, the light touch of his fingertips touching his nape, the feeling lingering when one of them slips away. He feels the softness of Doyoung’s lips pressed on his. He memorizes every detail before pulling away.

It was at that time that Jaehyun knows that their feelings were more than the platonic line of friendship.)

Jaehyun wants to cry, right in front this lame bakery, right in front of this barely working lamppost in front of him. Jaehyun just really wants to cry because he’s so fucking stupid.

He feels bad for Taeyong, he’s a nice guy and all – but he can’t mask his feelings for Doyoung after the silent argument two weeks ago. He feels like a fucking asshole for breaking up with Taeyong, for using him to hide his own feelings --- he feels like complete and utter trash for breaking his best friend’s (and great love’s) feelings and  ruining someone whose feelings for him are completely genuine and nice.

Jaehyun’s just a fucking asshole that’s what.

“Jaehyun?” He hears that oh so sweet familiar voice, a voice that he knows has to belong to an angel sent by the gods. He loves that sound so much that he thinks he’s crying. (haha) Jaehyun then hears shuffling beside him, a touch of a hand that sends warmth all over his body. “My god Jaehyun, you’re completely wasted.”

Jaehyun blinks up, looking at the beautiful and completely ethereal angel in front of him. God, he’s so beautiful with his very pretty lips that he wants to kiss very much, with his pretty bunny eyes that look down on him innocently --- an angel that doesn’t deserve to be tainted by the cruel world. Jaehyun thinks. “You’re so pretty,” Jaehyun blurts out like the idiot that he is. “Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?”

A sigh from the angel above him. “You’re spent alright.” The angel says, with that angelic voice, the voice that Jaehyun always manages to cherish. There’s a light tug on his arm. “Come on Jaehyun, let’s sober you up.”

“An angel really saved me, huh?”

“No, just – it’s just Doyoung.”

**-**

When Jaehyun finds himself alone with Doyoung in the car, he knows that he has to tell Doyoung, he needs to tell Doyoung about the way he’s been hiding beside his feelings. How he lied to himself about wanting to be nothing more but friends, about how he didn’t want to ruin their friendship – even though the way they feel towards each other is so obvious.

It’s all because Jaehyun is a coward for his own feelings.

“Doyoung –“ he hiccups, head banging against the car window painfully. He sees Doyoung flinch at the corner of his eye but he pays no mind because Doyoung needs to know.

“Doyoung – Doyoung hyung…” He finds himself slurring. “Doyoung hyung, you really need know…”

He glances over at Doyoung, who’s biting the inside of his cheek. Jaehyun whines because he knows what that means, Doyoung wants to ignore it. That loser.

“Doyoung hyung!” He exclaims once again, making the other flinch beside him. “Y – You need to know… you – you really need to know…”

“What is that, Jaehyun?” Doyoung finally speaks over the long pause after Jaehyun speaks. His voice is hoarse, Jaehyun notes, but he still manages to sound like an angel.

“You need to know that I… I…” Jaehyun suddenly doesn’t know how to speak, doesn’t think he can. He feels as if someone just erased all of the millions thoughts and words in his head. He feels lethargic, like he’s about to sleep right here right now.

“We’ll talk about it later, Jaehyun.”

Doyoung smiles, gums and all, something warm and something Jaehyun hasn’t felt for so long.

**-**

Doyoung brings Jaehyun to his apartment, carrying him with his noodle figure. Jaehyun mumbling into his shoulder about an angel every once in a while.

“You’re an angel, y’know?” Jaehyun mutters, mouth open wide and drooling against his shoulder. “Y’know!” He screams, right into Doyoung’s ears before falling limp into his arms once again.

Doyoung feels the corners of his lips twitch upwards but he resists, Jaehyun truly will be a crybaby ‘til forever huh?

When they finally reach Jaehyun’s apartment, he flops Jaehyun right unto the couch after he punches in the password in (it’s Doyoung’s birthday), ignoring the ‘oof’ the other boy emits right after he lands on the sofa.

Doyoung’s heart does weird stunt when he examines Jaehyun closer, the natural pout of his lips when he doesn’t smile, his long lashes that flutter every five seconds or so, the way his dense eyebrows would furrows as if he were focusing, and the way he would mumble ‘angel’ every once in a while. All of these are probably normal human things but god, it’s Jaehyun and Doyoung just wants to kiss the living daylights out of him.

“Hey, angel…” Doyoung jumps at Jaehyun, from his voice and from the way he reeks of alcohol. Usually, if it were anyone, Doyoung would be disgusted but here, with Jaehyun present, he feels more… pensive.

“Do you know how bad I am?” Jaehyun slurs, not even opening his eyes or moving at all. “I lied not just to myself but to the love of my life too! Ha, how pitiful… am I right? God, I’m so dumb that I –“ Jaehyun stops, choking on a sob. Doyoung jumps at that, before finally realizing that Jaehyun’s been crying on him since earlier and he’s completely stupid for dismissing it as his drool.

“I – I honestly don’t know why I did that, angel.” Jaehyun admits, a tone of regret present in his voice. “Maybe it’s because I couldn’t come to terms that it was _him_ I was in love with and –“ Jaehyun laughs so bitterly that Doyoung feels his heart crumble into tiny mushed pieces.

Doyoung wants to speak up, fess up all of his trash feelings too but --- but he can’t all of a sudden. Doyoung thinks he can’t say a word anymore, not when Jaehyun is in front of him.

“Angel, I just -- really love him, okay? Every morning when I – when I wake up, all I think about is him and how much I would do anything f --- for him. How we don’t need to do anything be --- because we’re comfortable with… with each other’s sole presence? T – That’s clearly enough.” Jaehyun gushes everything out a like a waterfall, occasionally choking a sob as he voices out what he’s feeling. Doyoung wants to do the same thing but he thinks he’ll save that for another day.

“I regret lying to everyone about this shit I’m feeling, I regret hurting another person because of it.” Jaehyun says, voice so broken that it represents their hearts. “All I want is for Doyoung to stay with me forever and just hug me –“

Doyoung embraces him then, thinking that he can’t hear any more of it, and he feels the younger boy jump at the touch but eventually relaxing when he familiarizes himself with the gesture.

Jaehyun cries into his shoulder, clutching at him back. They stay like that in silence for a few – long minutes before Doyoung decides to let go, getting Jaehyun water, ignoring the whines the boy makes as he walks away.

(When Doyoung pours the water into the cup, he can’t help but smile at the memory of Jaehyun earlier and he nearly doesn’t notice the excess water flowing out of the glass.)

**-**

Jaehyun wakes up with a major headache and a sleeping Doyoung beside him, looking so precious and small that Jaehyun wants nothing more than to protect him.

There’s painkillers and water on the coffee table near the couch and Jaehyun takes it almost immediately upon sight, he also notices a small note beside the glass of water.

There signs a familiar handwriting that Jaehyun recognizes so well that he doesn’t need to guess whose is it.

 **Dear Jaehyun** ,

_I don’t really know how to phrase this, I’m not quite good at expressing my feelings._

_But I hope you know my feelings well. I don’t really know if there are specific terms for what I have stored in my heart. But for the lack of a better term, I want to say this to you, I love you._

_I love you to bits, Jung Jaehyun. From everything you are and to everything you will be. I will always be here with you, by your side, by you. For without you, I am not myself and I think that speaks a lot, doesn’t it? Ha, I hope you get my feeble words…_

_You’ve been with me for so long, that I forgot to thank you for it. And starting from today, I will express more of my feelings if you will allow me to._

\- **Doyoung**

Jaehyun feels tears prick at his eyes when he finishes, they’re both the biggest idiots in the world, huh?

He takes one more look at the asleep Doyoung before grinning, tasting the salty tears that dropped from his eyes in his mouth. Jaehyun loves him and he’s suddenly not afraid of saying it anymore.

Jaehyun gets off the couch, moving carefully as to not wake Doyoung up. He enters his bedroom, grabbing his favourite peach blanket before returning to the living room, where Doyoung is still sound asleep.

He drapes the blanket over them when he lays back down on the couch, waiting to fall back into slumber once again.

Jaehyun knows they’re going to talk about it later but right now, each other is enough.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> this was lame and ambiguous i know,,, also feel free to follow my twt @doyoungraphy


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